One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. When both partners understand how to communicate properly, they feel loved, connected and secure. But when effective communication is lacking, both people can become defensive, and the relationship can be mired down in distrust, misunderstanding and resentments.

When couples are hitting rock bottom, it’s important they relearn critical communication skills, primarily how to listen to their partner.

If you find you and your partner are struggling in understanding each other, below are three essential listening skills that can help improve your communication.

1. Validate Your Partner’s Feelings

To validate your partner means to understand what they are saying and feeling from their point of view. This does not mean you have to agree with them. It simply means you can see their point.

When responding to something they said, you can validate them by saying something like, “That makes sense because…” or “I can see how you might think or feel…”

You may not always understand your partner’s point of view. In these instances, it’s helpful to ask for more information in a way that is positive and inviting, not negative or defensive. This could sound like “Can you tell me more about…” instead of “I don’t understand what you mean.”

2. Mirror Their Own Words

This exercise will require you to reflect or “mirror” everything your partner is saying in their own words. Yes, it can feel a bit awkward at first, but it is an incredibly effective technique.

When you repeat what your partner has said, you may start your response with something like, “I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like what you’re saying is…”

By starting off with this type of language, it allows you to slow down, process what your partner is saying, and can make the entire exercise feel more comfortable.

The longer you practice this skill, the more you will actually hear what your partner says and understand how they feel.

3. Empathize With Your Partner

The final step to hearing your partner is recognizing the emotions they are experiencing in the moment. This will require you go deeper than thoughts and head into the vulnerable territory of feelings. You will want to use phrases like, “It sounds like you were feeling really upset when….” Or “I can imagine you felt hurt…”

Empathizing is extremely important because it shows your partner that how they feel matters to you.

Though it will take some time to get the hang of these new listening skills, the effort is worth it. And remember, when your partner practices these same skills, you will feel equally loved and respected!

Some couples may find they need a bit of help from a neutral third party. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for each partner to practice these listening skills. A trained therapist will be able to guide you and offer advice and adjustments.

If you and your partner are interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

You’ve probably heard this a thousand times, but here it is again: Relationships are tough and they require constant work. You and your partner have to be ready to put in the work every single day, and one way to do this is through constant evaluation of your relationship.

Here is a list of some important questions to answer both individually and as a couple. These questions will give you a clearer picture of your relationship.

1.     Do you feel safe in the relationship? – In your relationship, you should be able to really be yourself without fear of being judged. Do you feel like your partner has the capability to stick with you through tough times? Will they be there if you had cancer or depression? If it is difficult for you to answer this question, seeking professional help can provide a safe place to talk about this.

2.     Are you both happy? –  As humans, we rely on our romantic relationships to provide us with some level of happiness. Having bad days is normal, but if your relationship is fraught with anxiety and tension then there might be a problem.  If you find yourself feeling sad or angry more than you feel happy, then you need to do some evaluation. Relationships require work but they shouldn’t drain you emotionally or affect your mental health.

3.     Do your plans and visions for the future align? –  To strengthen your commitment, you need to agree on your vision and goals for the future. Is your partner ready to show up, do the work every day and accept you fully without harsh criticism? You need to be sure they are in it for the long haul and you’re on the same page about what’s important to you in life.

4.     Are your arguments healthy? –  Arguments are normal, but how you argue matters. Are you able to keep your arguments from getting out of hand, find a way to calmly discuss and reach a solution? You need to argue in a way that makes both parties feel heard. If things get violent often, then you need to rethink things.

5.     Are you sexually compatible? – Sex is important in any romantic relationship. Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you agree on issues relating to sex such as when and how it occurs? If one person feels sexually deprived or pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with, it could lead to conflict. It’s a great idea to create a safe space in your relationship where you can openly talk about your sex life.

If you answered yes to most/all of the questions above, then you and your partner are probably in a great place. If not, carefully reflect on the questions and revisit them when you’ve had time to think about them properly.

It’s also a great idea to have a third party ask questions that are too tough to ask yourselves. If you’re struggling with these questions, and need a therapist to talk to, please give me a call. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.