Counseling Blog | LGBTQ+ Couples & Individuals

July 11, 2021 by Alan Zupka

5 Ways to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship

‘The spark’ is a phrase that’s used a lot when it comes to romantic relationships. In fact, you might have felt ‘the spark’ in the beginning of your relationship, and as a result, the early days were very exciting for you and your partner. However, like every other flame, ‘the spark’ needs to be kept alive by both partners. When you think of intimacy, you probably imagine physical attraction, and sexual relations, however, intimacy is so much more than that. It encompasses both the physical and the emotional.

At the beginning of your relationship, you just can’t seem to get enough of your partner. You want to see them all the time, and they are constantly on your mind. Naturally, romance blossoms and intimacy is high and effortless.

However, as time goes on, life sort of gets in the way. Routine and the stress of everyday living makes it almost impossible to sustain high levels of intimacy without effort. It takes practice, time and effort to keep intimacy levels high in any relationship.

Here are 5 ways to strengthen the intimacy in your relationship, and keep your flame burning hot.

1. Do exciting things together- As your relationship develops, you are bound to form a routine. However, routines become boring. Shake things up by making an effort to do really exciting things together, such as climbing a mountain, going on a vacation, taking a special class together or going bungee jumping! It will provide a much-needed breath of fresh air in your relationship and help you discover new things about each other.

2. Have deep meaningful conversations– Talk about your relationship, your current lives, plans for the future and your emotional state. Try as much as possible to be vulnerable with your partner and let them see the real you. Lack of communication and bottling up negative emotions can lead to resentment. Explore the things that make your relationship work, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Having a therapist facilitate these conversations can make them really fruitful and rewarding.

3. Be thoughtful – Intimacy isn’t always about the grand gestures. Something as simple as writing your partner a love letter or stocking up on their favorite snack can make them feel incredibly loved and appreciated.

4. Make couple time- It can be really hard to focus on one thing in today’s digital world, and sometimes we unconsciously pay more attention to our gadgets than to our lovers. At least once a week, turn off all electronic devices and participate in an activity you both enjoy. You could watch a movie, cook together or massage each other. This gives you time to enjoy each other and connect on a deeper level.

5. Express gratitude- Every night, before bed, express gratitude for one thing your partner did during the day, no matter how small or random.This will help them feel loved and appreciated.

If you would like to improve intimacy in your relationship and strengthen the bond between you and your partner, please book a relationship therapy session with me.

July 7, 2021 by Alan Zupka

How to Deal with Social Anxiety after COVID

It has been a very long year. Lockdowns and social distancing have had a profound impact on our hearts and minds. But thankfully, as the vaccines roll out and the country begins to slowly open back up, we are beginning to return to some kind of normal.

While many people are jumping for joy with the idea of taking part in normal social gatherings and getting back to life pre-pandemic, there are also those individuals who are feeling a bit of social anxiety at the same time. This is to be understood.

Being social requires a set of skills. We learned as children how to interact with those around us. As we grew older, we learned even more of the intricate and complex social structures, rules, and more. Being away from society for a year or more has put a kink into these important skills for many of us. You may have learned how to ice skate as a kid, but if you haven’t been on skates for years, there’s a good chance you’ll break some bones!

Here are some tips for dealing with any social anxiety you may be experiencing:

Be Kind to Yourself

Many will find it absolutely exhausting trying to relearn all of the social skills they haven’t practiced in some time. It’s okay, you’re not the only one who is struggling right now. Just be kind and gentle with yourself.

Stick with Your Own Comfort Level

Some people may be feeling anxiety right now because they are unsure of how safe it is to be out in the world. If we’re honest, the talking heads on TV seem to give us mixed signals about what is really going on. All you can do is set your own boundaries and determine what you feel comfortable with. If you’re not comfortable giving or receiving hugs, don’t feel pressured by someone else. Respect your own boundaries and comfort level and take things day by day.

Take Things Nice and Easy

If you haven’t worked out physically in some time, you wouldn’t, on your first day at the gym, run for an hour on the treadmill and THEN lift heavy weights afterward. You’d take things slow so as not to hurt yourself.

Apply this same logic to your social life. If you feel out of shape socially, then take things slow. Don’t suddenly fill your social calendar with all kinds of activities and events. Start with a small gathering and go from there.

Speak with Someone

If you find your anxiety isn’t dissipating after some time, you may want to speak with a counselor. They can give you the tools to help you get out of your rut and back into a healthy and joyful life.

If you’d like to speak with someone about your anxiety, please reach out to me.

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July 5, 2021 by Alan Zupka

Knowing When to End a Relationship

Relationships can enrich our lives, but they can also cause damage. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or significant other, any relationship comes with its share of challenges. And more often than not, putting in the effort to resolve relational issues can and does result in a healthier bond.

But there are those relationships that, no matter the amount of work and goodwill put into them, will never bring a return on your time or heart investment. These relationships are toxic, and they need to be ended in order for you to heal and move on.

3 Signs the Relationship Needs to End

There are More Negative Interactions Than Positive Ones

Every relationship has its good interactions and its not-so-good ones. But there are those relationships that seem like every interaction is tense and filled with negative emotions. When communication becomes difficult or impossible, the relationship is beyond fixing.

Vastly Different Needs

In the beginning of a new friendship or romance, it’s easy to try and compromise with one another, making certain both person’s needs are being met. Over time, some friends or couples realize their needs are too different.

For instance, in a romantic couple, someone may need more sex than the other. Someone may need to always be in control or have a need to lie. These kinds of clashing needs are a red flag for any relationship.

A Blatant Lack of Respect

Respect is essential in relationships. But sometimes there are those individuals that seem incapable of respecting the other person, their needs, their boundaries, their wishes, etc. These people tend to be on the narcissistic spectrum and are incapable of having empathy or respect for others’ needs.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of signs, but these three are some of the most common and problematic signs.

Letting Go and Moving On

Once you know it is time to end the relationship, you may find that your head and heart waffle back and forth, wondering if you are making the right decision. This is why it’s always a good idea to have someone in your corner you can rely on to give you honest feedback, sound advice, and clarity.

Sometimes you can find this champion in your network of friends and family, but other times it might be best to find a totally neutral third party. Someone you never have to wonder whether they are “just saying that” because they love and care about me.

A therapist can help you navigate your intense emotions and make the best decision for your happiness and peace of mind.

If you are currently struggling in a relationship and would like some help navigating it, please reach out to me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

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June 27, 2021 by Alan Zupka

Can Therapy Treat Opioid Addiction?

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, “Opioids are a class of drugs that include the illegal drug heroin, synthetic opioids such as fentanyl, and pain relievers available legally by prescription, such as oxycodone (OxyContin^®), hydrocodone (Vicodin^®), codeine, morphine, and many others.”

When a person becomes addicted to opioids, their brain experiences a rush of dopamine. These reward pathways, over time, come to expect their “fix.” Addiction may eventually lead someone to engage in dangerous or erratic behavior and isolate themselves from friends and family.

Substance abuse is typically accompanied by mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. But, because both depression and substance abuse engage the same brain mechanisms, they often respond to the same treatment approaches.

Treatments for Opioid Addiction

There are many different paths to recovery, and what works best for one individual may not be the best solution for someone else. Some advocate for natural recovery, which is when an individual achieves improved physical, psychological, and social functioning on their own. Other individuals find healing through the support of community or peer-based networks, while still others opt for clinical-based recovery through the services of credentialed professionals.

Depending on which path the individual chooses, treatment can include a variety of components, which are often used in conjunction with other treatment options. Come components include:

A medically-supervised detoxification
Medications that reduce or counter the use of illicit substances or may target accompanying anxiety and depression.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help an individual recognize their behavior patterns and learn coping tools to deal with their addiction in healthy ways.
Group therapy can support individual recovery and prevent the recurrence of substance use.
Family therapy can help addicts fix any damage done to family relationships and create a healthy space to encourage support.

Besides cognitive behavioral therapy, another specific type of therapy that works particularly well with addiction is called Gestalt therapy. This style of therapy stresses taking ownership of your life and working within your present-moment experience to see how and where you fit in your interconnected web of relationships. For these reasons, it can be a critical tool in helping people beat their opioid addiction.

Opioid addiction is a treatable condition and complete remission is entirely possible with the right tools and support. If you or someone you know would like to explore treatment options for a substance abuse issue, please feel free to get in touch with me.

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