Alan Zupka, Author at AZupkaCounseling

September 2, 2019 by Alan Zupka

Ending a Casual Relationship

Nowadays, it might seem like casual relationships are more common than serious ones. You might call it an open relationship or a friend with benefits, but they all amount to the same thing: a relationship that’s usually sexual in nature, but without any form of commitment attached to it.

Casual relationships can be fun and fulfilling. They can provide you with companionship and sexual intimacy, serving its purpose for you during a certain period in your life. However, problems in a casual relationship can arise when one person begins to develop feelings, and the other doesn’t. Your partner may decide that they want commitment, but you don’t (or vice versa); and you’ve decided that it’s time to end the relationship. What do you do?

Don’t Feel Guilty

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready to be in a relationship. If you’re the one who’s caught feelings and have been rebuffed by your partner, there’s no need to feel awkward. A sexual connection can create the illusion of intimacy; your feelings are natural.

Stop Sexual Relations

When it’s time to end the relationship, the sexual contact needs to stop. Continuing sexual intimacy after you’ve realized you need to cut ties with this person will only confuse your partner (or you.)

Don’t Sugar Coat It

When it’s time to break the news to your partner, do both of you a favor: be clear, direct and honest, but kind. Pick a busy, public place to meet for coffee or drinks, and make sure you arrive separately. When it’s time to break the news, let them know that you enjoyed your time together, but that you’ve decided you no longer want to be in this relationship and you both need to move on. After you let them know, make a hasty exit.

If for any reason you feel it’s unsafe to break up with your partner in person, then call or text instead. Your safety always comes first.

Prepare for Negative Reaction

It’s natural for people to react negatively or to be emotional after a break up. Stay calm and listen to what they have to say without interrupting. You can repeat back to them what you heard them say to help validate their feelings, but reiterate that you’re no longer interested in seeing them.

End Contact

Now that it’s over, it’s time to end contact. No more text messages, phone calls or DM’s. Don’t like their photos or comments on social media. This will only send mixed messages, or make it more difficult for you to break it off.

Are you having a hard time moving on after a break-up? Do you need help deciding if the relationship you’re in is right for you? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

August 25, 2019 by Alan Zupka

Why Timing is Everything When it Comes to Marriage Counseling

Seeking help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.

By the same token, the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related not only to the willingness and motivation of both parties to put in the effort, but also to the timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when one (or both) people have already thrown in the towel.

For instance, in some relationships, when one or both partners have already decided to end the marriage, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news on their spouse. This is obviously not the best timing to attempt counseling.

Sometimes issues are too ingrained and longstanding for counseling to be truly effective. If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for five or more years before seeking help, it may be too late. While counseling is a wonderful way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.

When and How Marriage Counseling Can Help

It’s important that both individuals truly want the relationship to work. When both parties are willing to invest time and energy, marriage counseling can be the catalyst for real and lasting change.

It is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both spouses must feel comfortable with the therapist for any progress to be made.

So, how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:

Counselors help couples identify toxic behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
Each partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
Tools help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be avoided.
Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication.

If you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for success:

Take it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
Be open. If you’ve chosen the right therapist, you should feel free and safe to discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
Avoid the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
Be realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.

If you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help. The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

August 16, 2019 by Alan Zupka

5 Benefits of Sex After 50

Life comes at you fast.

It seems one minute you’re avoiding eye contact with your parents as they awkwardly tell you about the birds and the bees, and the next minute? You’re “of an age” where you are not considered a sexual being anymore.

That’s right, as soon as you hit the big 5-0, you are supposed to cease all sexual relations. Or at least, that’s how mature adults are made to feel.

But sex is not just for the young. Studies have shown that older people can benefit from healthy sex lives.

Here are some reasons why sex benefits those over 50:

It Makes You Feel Great

And not just in the obvious way. Certain hormones like dopamine and oxytocin are released during sex and orgasm. These hormones make us feel fantastic and promote feelings of positive attachment to our partners.

It Keeps You Healthy

Sex also increases testosterone in both men and women. Frequency of sex in younger men appears to protect them from prostate cancer later in life and decreases their risk of heart attacks. For women, this testosterone prevents chronic cystitis, eventual prolapse, and incontinence.

Sex is Exercise

The older we get, the more important it is for us to stay active. But not everybody likes to hit the gym or do yoga three times a week.

Sex is a great way to work up a sweat and get your heart pumping and body moving.

Sex Enhances Self-Esteem

We all want to feel desirable. Having a partner who wants to be with you in such an intimate way is an esteem boost at any age. And, according to studies, feelings of self-worth are the basis of psychological health. Sexual behavior has been associated with fewer and less frequent symptoms of depression, both in women and in men.

Sex Helps the Marriage

Though there are stresses to aging that can be challenging within a long-term relationship, sexual contact can help sustain a marriage. One study, which looked at couples over 50 who had been married for at least 20 years, found that impediments or barriers to sexual behaviors were of minimal importance as long as physical intimacy continued.

Of course, sex isn’t a cure-all for relationship woes. The truth is, marriage is work.

And the longer you two have been together, the more trials and tribulations you’ve experienced along the way, the more settled you’ve become in your ways, and the more difficult it can be to see one another the way you used to.

If you’re experiencing marital trouble, couples therapy can be very beneficial. A therapist can facilitate communication and offer tools that can help you reconnect and fall in love all over again.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring couple’s therapy, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

August 2, 2019 by Alan Zupka

4 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you and your significant other have hit a snag in the relationship. Maybe you’re spending less time with each other and you’ve grown apart. Or maybe you do little else than argue these days.

All relationships go through their ups and downs. No matter the good intentions of the individuals or how in love you were when the relationship began, it is completely natural for a relationship to take a hit every now and then.

In some ways, these trials can be a good thing. Much like you need to break down muscle to build it up stronger than it was before, many relationships can be strengthened by challenges, provided your communication is healthy.

Here are some ways to improve communication in your relationship:

1. Recognize the Change

It’s important to be open and honest with yourself and each other. Don’t deny that something has changed in your relationship, admit it openly. You may also need to recognize that each of you has changed over the years. None of us stays the same. Our wants, needs, passions, annoyances, etc. change as we mature and grow as people. People can usually accommodate this change as long as they admit it has happened.

2. Validate Each Other’s Feelings

There are two words that are very powerful in communication, “Yes, and…” Effective communication is not about one person being right and the other wrong. Often, both people are right and allowed to feel their feelings. Try not to attack the other person or get them to compromise on issues. Instead, focus on simply being heard and hearing the other person.

3. Be Ready to Change

If you want to improve your communication as a means to get the other person to change their ways, you are really thinking about this communication thing all wrong! Good communication is not about winning an argument. This is not a debate class. Your goal is to better share your thoughts, feelings, ideas, hopes and struggles with each other. Don’t be so focused on getting the other person to change and focus more on how your own behavior could change.

4. Breathe

Managing your emotions is one of the most important skills when it comes to interpersonal interaction. How often are you ready to blow when you and your spouse or partner are speaking to each other? How does the communication breakdown once you or your partner have become emotional?

When communicating with your partner, or anyone, should you feel your emotions rise, stop, take a slow, deep breath, and let it out. Taking this moment is important and will help you not to say something you’ll regret or that will escalate the situation.

None of us are perfect. All we can do is try to be the best versions of ourselves we can be for ourselves and our loved ones. By following these communication tips you will be able to strengthen your relationships.

Remain Curious