Be honest, did you make New year’s resolutions this year that you have yet to stick to? If so, you’re not alone. Researchers have found that typically 77% of people are only able to keep their resolutions for 1 week, 64% keep them for one month, 50% for 3 months, and only 19% are able to keep their resolutions for over one year! (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11920693)

If only New Year’s resolutions were more like leather sofas during hot summer months, we’d all be able to stick to them easily. But no matter what we do, it sometimes seems impossible to lose that weight, stop smoking, or learn a new language (among many other pledges).

If you’re feeling guilty for not being able to stick with your resolutions, here are some ways you can stay true to them:

Be Sure They are Doable

Many people set themselves up for failure when setting unrealistic goals. If your resolution is to lose 50 pounds by summer, that may not be realistic for your personal situation.

In order to be successful, you’ve got to pick the right resolution, meaning, it has got to be personal to you, it has got to be achievable by you, and you have to create a plan to get there.

Take Baby Steps

If your resolution is to exercise more, don’t plan on working out for two hours each day, six days a week. Your body won’t be able to handle that if you’ve been inactive for some time. It will feel painful and you’ll want to give up. Instead, start small and build gradually. Decide to go to the gym twice a week for half an hour, then three times a week for an hour, etc.

Tackle One Resolution at a Time

Maybe you want to lose weight, build muscle, learn Mandarin, and start writing that novel. These are all great goals to have, but good luck tackling all of them at the same time.

Your best bet is to prioritize and tackle one goal at a time. Is your health at risk? If so, losing some weight should probably be a priority. Will learning Mandarin help you get that job promotion? Then maybe that should be on top of the list. Only when you feel you have a handle on one goal and have made progress should you consider adding another resolution to your “to-do” list.

You may also want to ask for support from friends and family. Accepting help from those who care is one great way to make sure you stick to your goals. Also, consider seeking help from a trained therapist. Mental health professionals can offer powerful tools that can help you uncover obstacles, where they came from, and tools to help you overcome them.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help you stick to your resolutions and move your life forward.

Most of us from a young age are taught how to be kind, considerate and compassionate toward others. But rarely are we told to show the same consideration to ourselves. This becomes even more true for individuals brought up in abusive or unloving homes.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is taken from Buddhist psychology and refers to how we can relate to the self with kindness. Self-compassion or self-love is NOT to be confused with arrogance or selfishness. In actuality, arrogance and selfishness stem from the absence of self-love.

But what does it really mean to be kind with ourselves? It means that on a day-to-day basis we are mindful of being courteous, supportive and compassionate with ourselves. Too many individuals treat themselves with harsh judgement instead of compassion.

Why is this important? Because self-compassion helps us recognize our unconditional worth and value. It allows us to recognize though we my sometimes make bad decisions, we’re not bad people.

Research, over the past decade, has shown the parallel between self care and psychological wellbeing. Those who recognize self-compassion also tend to have better connections with others, are reportedly happier with their own lives, and have a higher satisfaction with life overall. Self-compassion also correlates with less shame, anxiety and depression.

Now that you know the what and why of self-compassion, let’s look at the how.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child

You would never harshly judge or belittle a small child the way you do yourself. You would only want to help and love that child. When you begin to treat yourself as you would a small child, you begin to show yourself the same love, gentleness and kindness.

Practice Mindfulness

Every minute your mind is handling millions of bits of information, though you consciously are only aware of a few of them. This is to say we all have scripts or programs running in our minds 24/7. These scripts and programs are running our lives, insisting we have certain behaviors and make certain decisions.

Some of these scripts are the ones that tell us how “bad” or “unlovable” we are. They’ve been running since we were kids. The way to quiet these scripts is to become more mindful of your own mind.

When you begin to have a feeling or reaction to something, stop and ask yourself WHO is feeling that? Is it the compassionate self or the program running? If it’s the program, thank the program for what it has done and release it.

Good Will vs Good Feelings

Self-compassion is a conscious act of kindness we show ourselves; it’s not a way to alleviate emotional pain. Life happens, and we can’t always avoid negative or sad feelings. Never mistake self-compassion as a tool to ignore your deep and rich emotional life.

These are just a few ways you can begin to cultivate self-compassion. If you’d like to explore more options or talk to someone about your feelings of self-rejection and judgement, please get in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how cognitive therapy may help.

Being single can be difficult at times. Dating, or trying to get dates, can be frustrating and discouraging. Meeting new people can be fun, but you might long for a close, long-term relationship with one other person. If you find yourself staring longingly at couples holding hands, it may be time to re-evaluate, and learn to appreciate the many benefits of single life. While being single can sometimes make you feel sad and lonely, there are times when its more beneficial for your mental health.

1. More Time for the Gym

Many studies have shown that single people exercise more, and overall live healthier lifestyles. Whether it’s the spare time or the desire to look your best (or a combination of the two), single men and women tend to care more about their health and well-being. Exercise improves your mood by releasing endorphins and reducing cortisol, a stress hormone that can make you more susceptible to stress.

2. Rediscover Yourself

One of the best things about being single is that you have the opportunity to rediscover yourself. Your alone time will cause you to be more introspective and develop insight into what makes you happy, and what your core values are. As you take a walk through a park or enjoy a cup of coffee alone, you can re-evaluate your goals. As you learn to feel comfortable in your own company, you’ll discover that happiness comes not from another person, but from within.

3. Better Friendships

Single adults have more time to network with others and develop outside friendships. You can schedule more time to be with (or make) friends, joining friends for birthdays and weekend trips that will make lifelong memories. In 2009, the Journal of the National Medical Association conducted a study that showed people without social support were more likely to suffer from anxiety or depression. Friendships reduce stress and anxiety, while increasing happiness and confidence.

4. Find New Interests

As a single person, you have additional time that you can use to develop new hobbies and interests. If you’ve always wanted to join a yoga or a spin class, join a hiking group or book club, you have time to dive in to new hobbies. Research shows that participating in hobbies can improve your mood and your ability to cope with stress.

 

If you’re single and struggling with sadness or loneliness a licensed therapist can help. Give my office a call today and let’s schedule a time to talk.