Couples/Marriage Archives - Page 6 of 7

November 10, 2019 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

How to Fit Romance Back into Your Scheduled Sex Life

It’s the natural course of things in any romantic relationship: as time passes, the “newness” and “butterflies” gives way to routine. You always know what to expect from your partner, and you’ve heard all their stories. While your love for your partner has grown and matured along with you and your relationship, it’s not uncommon for what was once a fiery passion to have fizzled out over the years.

All areas of a relationship takes work, and romance in your relationship is no exception. If you’re looking for ways to stoke the fire of romance with your spouse or significant other, below are some tips that can help.

Listen More

It’s always more difficult to hear than to be heard. You might feel like you know everything there is to know about your partner, but people change. Make an effort to ask more questions, and really listen to your partner’s responses with interest. Ask them how their day was, probe them about their interests, and talk to them as you would if you were getting to know a new friend.

Touch Often

Research has shown that physical touch is a form of non-verbal communication that satisfies the desire for a physical connection. A lack of physical touch is often construed as a lack of physical affection, which can greatly decrease relationship satisfaction. Show your partner affection by making an effort to touch your partner’s skin through a hug, a touch of their arm, hand or back. Hold hands and kiss more often.

Try New Activities Together

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, there are bound to be things you’ve wanted to do together that you haven’t gotten around to. Or perhaps there are things you’d love to try that you never thought of before, if only you could discover them. Whether it’s joining a hiking group, trying a new wine bar, or exploring your sexual fantasies, enjoying new and different activities together is sure to help bring back the spark that may be missing from your relationship.

Revisit the Past

Take a weekend trip to your honeymoon spot, revisit the place where you had your first date, where you got engaged or your old stomping grounds. Revisiting familiar places when you were just getting to know each other will help remind you both of the how’s and why’s of your love story.

Keep in mind that relationships are never perfect, and that it’s natural to have ups and downs with your partner. If you’re going through a difficult time, know that things can improve. With love, trust, and hard work, you can get your relationship with your partner back on the upswing.

Are you and your partner struggling in your relationship? A licensed therapist specializing in marital and couple’s counseling can help you both work on improving your relationship. Call my office today so we can schedule a time to talk.

November 3, 2019 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

How to Tell Your Partner About Your Past Sexual Abuse

Relationships always start out on a high note. Your mutual attraction combined with your commonalities stirs up your feelings, while finding out about your differences and exploring the world together makes your relationship fresh and exciting. When your relationship starts to become more intimate, you may start to wonder when the right time is for you to open up to your partner about your past sexual abuse.

Being a survivor of sexual assault is, unfortunately, not uncommon. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in three women and one in six men in the United States experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. So when is the right time to open up to your partner about your past, and how do you tell them?

Be Ready
It’s important as a survivor that you are in control of when you share your story. Center yourself around your own needs and share only when you’re ready, and not before. You may need to discuss it first with a therapist, counselor, friend or support group.

Know What You Need
Know in advance what you’ll need to get through this discussion. You may need your partner to not ask questions, or to not touch you while you’re talking. Be honest and upfront, and ask for support when you need it.

Prepare for a Response
How people respond to your story will vary widely. Hearing sexual abuse disclosures affect both the person telling the story, as well as the person listening. Your partner may be silent for a while as they take the information and consider what to say. Give them time to process it. If it will make you more comfortable, you can ask them to give you some time before you discuss the matter again.

Opening up and discussing difficult, sensitive topics with your partner is never easy. But these challenging times are often the ones that create milestones in your relationship, and will ultimately bring the two of you closer than ever.

Are you a sexual assault survivor and in need of guidance and counseling? A licensed therapist can help. Call my office today and let’s set up a time to talk.

September 2, 2019 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

Ending a Casual Relationship

Nowadays, it might seem like casual relationships are more common than serious ones. You might call it an open relationship or a friend with benefits, but they all amount to the same thing: a relationship that’s usually sexual in nature, but without any form of commitment attached to it.

Casual relationships can be fun and fulfilling. They can provide you with companionship and sexual intimacy, serving its purpose for you during a certain period in your life. However, problems in a casual relationship can arise when one person begins to develop feelings, and the other doesn’t. Your partner may decide that they want commitment, but you don’t (or vice versa); and you’ve decided that it’s time to end the relationship. What do you do?

Don’t Feel Guilty

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready to be in a relationship. If you’re the one who’s caught feelings and have been rebuffed by your partner, there’s no need to feel awkward. A sexual connection can create the illusion of intimacy; your feelings are natural.

Stop Sexual Relations

When it’s time to end the relationship, the sexual contact needs to stop. Continuing sexual intimacy after you’ve realized you need to cut ties with this person will only confuse your partner (or you.)

Don’t Sugar Coat It

When it’s time to break the news to your partner, do both of you a favor: be clear, direct and honest, but kind. Pick a busy, public place to meet for coffee or drinks, and make sure you arrive separately. When it’s time to break the news, let them know that you enjoyed your time together, but that you’ve decided you no longer want to be in this relationship and you both need to move on. After you let them know, make a hasty exit.

If for any reason you feel it’s unsafe to break up with your partner in person, then call or text instead. Your safety always comes first.

Prepare for Negative Reaction

It’s natural for people to react negatively or to be emotional after a break up. Stay calm and listen to what they have to say without interrupting. You can repeat back to them what you heard them say to help validate their feelings, but reiterate that you’re no longer interested in seeing them.

End Contact

Now that it’s over, it’s time to end contact. No more text messages, phone calls or DM’s. Don’t like their photos or comments on social media. This will only send mixed messages, or make it more difficult for you to break it off.

Are you having a hard time moving on after a break-up? Do you need help deciding if the relationship you’re in is right for you? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

August 25, 2019 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

Why Timing is Everything When it Comes to Marriage Counseling

Seeking help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.

By the same token, the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related not only to the willingness and motivation of both parties to put in the effort, but also to the timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when one (or both) people have already thrown in the towel.

For instance, in some relationships, when one or both partners have already decided to end the marriage, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news on their spouse. This is obviously not the best timing to attempt counseling.

Sometimes issues are too ingrained and longstanding for counseling to be truly effective. If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for five or more years before seeking help, it may be too late. While counseling is a wonderful way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.

When and How Marriage Counseling Can Help

It’s important that both individuals truly want the relationship to work. When both parties are willing to invest time and energy, marriage counseling can be the catalyst for real and lasting change.

It is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both spouses must feel comfortable with the therapist for any progress to be made.

So, how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:

Counselors help couples identify toxic behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
Each partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
Tools help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be avoided.
Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication.

If you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for success:

Take it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
Be open. If you’ve chosen the right therapist, you should feel free and safe to discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
Avoid the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
Be realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.

If you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help. The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

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