Counseling Blog | LGBTQ+ Couples & Individuals

October 24, 2021 by Alan Zupka

Am I Codependent?

Codependency is a term that describes an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship where one person’s needs are met while the others aren’t. Codependent people are said to “enable” the bad behavior of a loved one by supporting them, no matter if it negatively affects their own well-being.

As an example, a parent may have a hard time setting healthy boundaries by telling their grown addict son or daughter their behavior is unwelcomed and they must move out. This is a bit of a lose/lose scenario because enabling this bad behavior stalls recovery and only perpetuates the problem. In addition, the codependent parent puts themselves in harm’s way, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically.

Codependency often stems from an individual’s low self-esteem, excessive need to please, and an inability to set boundaries. Codependents feel responsible for others’ problems and will take them on, despite the personal toll it may cost them.

Where Does Codependency Come From?

Codependency is usually developed in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were either ignored or punished, you most likely developed low self-esteem, believing your needs didn’t matter.

Many codependents had parents who, for some reason, were unable to fulfill their role as caretakers. This dysfunction is usually the result of addiction, depression, narcissism, or other issues. In this situation, the child is forced to take on responsibilities beyond their years, taking care of younger siblings and even their own parent(s).

When we’re young, codependent behaviors are a survival mechanism. But as we become adults, these same behaviors prevent us from experiencing healthy relationships.

Signs of Codependency

Codependent people will typically one or more telltale codependency signs:

The belief you must “save” or “rescue” others
Low self-esteem
A one-sided relationship where one person is responsible and the other is allowed to be chronically irresponsible.
Going without so that others can have what they need or want.
Walking on eggshells around others and keeping opinions to yourself so as not to upset the other person.
Martyrdom – taking care of everyone else and resentful when no one cares for you.
A need to control
A need to please
An inability to set boundaries
Staying in relationships that are harmful or abusive
A feeling of guilt when taking care of yourself

If you can relate to one or more of these signs, there is a good chance you may be suffering from codependency.

The good news is, by committing to your own personal development and well-being, and working with a therapist who specializes in codependency, you can have a profound recovery that ultimately leads to peace, fulfillment, and true connections with others.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

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October 17, 2021 by Alan Zupka

Things to Discuss Before Marriage

“I do.” Two simple enough words. And when you say them on your wedding day, you really mean them. But “I do” can quickly turn into, “I thought I could” when you don’t know exactly who or what you are committing to.

Let’s face it, relationships are tricky and it’s important that you and your partner are 100% open and honest with one another before tying the knot. And that’s exactly why premarital counseling is so beneficial.

Premarital counseling helps couples identify and address potential areas of conflict before those issues have a chance to turn into serious problems. Couples also learn effective communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Here are some specific benefits of premarital counseling:

Learn More About Each Other

We always think we know our partner until they do or say something that surprises (and irks) us. Premarital counseling is an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level.

Confront Challenges Head-On

Couples don’t always discuss potential areas of friction at the beginning. And then real life comes at them and arguments happen.

For instance, what do you do if you find out each one of you has a different opinion about how finances should be handled? If one set of parents do not accept the couple or the marriage.

Premarital counseling offers couples a space to identify potential challenges head-on.

Make Plans for the Future

The brightest futures are the ones with the best-laid plans. Couples counseling can help you create a clear vision of what you want your future to be. A counselor can help you both discuss your individual goals and dreams and how you can combine these to create a future where both of you reach your potential as individuals, as a couple, and even as a family unit.

If you and your partner would be interested in exploring premarital counseling, please reach out to me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

SOURCES

October 10, 2021 by Alan Zupka

What is a Dual Diagnosis?

There are times when a person is diagnosed with a mental health issue, such as depression or anxiety. Other times, someone might be diagnosed as having a substance abuse issue. When someone has both a mental health issue and a substance abuse issue, we call it a dual diagnosis.

How Does Dual Diagnosis Develop?

Often, addictive behaviors are a result of someone trying to cope with their mental health issues. In fact, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association, roughly 53% of individuals with drug addiction and 35% with an addiction to alcohol

meet the requirements for a mental health diagnosis. These numbers tell the story of the strong correlation between mental health and addiction.

The following are some of the mental health issues that often occur alongside addiction:

Schizophrenia
Depression
Anxiety
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Bipolar Disorder
Posttraumatic stress (PTSD)
Eating Disorders

It’s important to note that while these mental health issues are often associated with substance abuse, they do not always present alongside drug and alcohol addiction.

Treatment for Dual Diagnosis

Dual diagnosis cases are very complex in nature and require different treatment styles. Typically speaking, there are four types of treatment:

Partial Treatment

This model refers to treating the primary mental health issue alone, but not the concurring substance abuse concerns.

Sequential Treatment

This approach treats the mental health issue first, then addresses the addiction after.

Parallel Treatment

This treatment focuses on addressing both the mental health concern and addiction at the same time, though separately and using different care providers.

Integrated Treatment

As the name suggests, this model has the individual receiving mental health and addiction treatment concurrently, under a unified and robust treatment program. This program can be in an outpatient setting or in a rehab facility.

It can be very difficult for the person struggling with a substance abuse issue and mental health issue, or their family members, to determine the best course of treatment. It is recommended that you initially work with a licensed therapist who can accurately diagnose you and recommend the right course of treatment.

If you’d like to speak with someone, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I can help your journey back to health and well-being.

SOURCES:

September 26, 2021 by Alan Zupka

5 Ways Codependence Can Be Overcome

Do you find you accept responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or actions? Are you constantly trying to please others? Do you neglect your own needs and have difficulty setting realistic personal boundaries? Do you often feel resentful yet have difficulty stepping away from a dysfunctional relationship?

These are some of the symptoms of codependency.

Codependent people look for external cues from others to tell them what they should feel, need and act like. While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful trait, codependents take it to an extreme because of an inability to create healthy boundaries.

But healthy boundaries are important. These boundaries draw a line of distinction and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and those thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others.

While it may take time to break lifelong patterns of codependency, there are things you can do to overcome it.

1. Recognize Any Denial

The first step to recovery is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the problem. There is a very good chance you have rationalized your codependence over time. While it can feel scary to admit to being involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty is the first step toward healing.

2. Study Your Past

The next step on your path to recovery is to take a look at your family history to uncover experiences that may have contributed to your codependency. What is your family history? Were there events that led to you disconnecting from your inner emotions?

This can be a difficult process and one that involves reliving childhood emotions. You may find that you feel guilty for admitting you were wounded in your formative years.

This type of work can be difficult and is best done in a safe therapy relationship.

3. Detach from Unhealthy Involvements

In order to truly work on ourselves, we have to first detach from what we are obsessed with. Personal growth will require giving up the over-involvement or preoccupation with trying to change, control or please someone else.

This means letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not ours to fix.

4. Learn Self-care

Giving up your excessive attempts to please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary. It’s important that you begin to become aware of your own thoughts, feeling and needs, and learn how to communicate them in a relationship. This may feel very wrong at first, as if you are being incredibly selfish. But that’s okay.

In order to form healthy relationships with others, you must first form one with yourself.

5. Get Good at Saying “No”

One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say no to situations that are detrimental to your own wellbeing. This will feel awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.

Seeking the guidance of a therapist will be beneficial as you work your way through these five steps. They will be able to help you safely explore your painful feelings and experiences and learn healthy ways of relating to yourself and others.

If you or a loved one is codependent and interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

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