Counseling Blog | LGBTQ+ Couples & Individuals

October 31, 2021 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

What is Emotional Incest or Covert Incest?

Many of us grew up in households that were dysfunctional, where boundaries between parents and adults were blurred in unhealthy ways. Emotional incest is not of a sexual nature, but it does describe unhealthy emotional interactions between adults and children that are psychologically inappropriate.

What this looks like in a real-life is a parent treating their child as a partner, relying on them for emotional support and care. Here are some of the classic ways parents cross this line:

Asking a Child for Advice

When a parent turns to their child for advice about marital issues, sexual problems, financial worries, etc. this blurs the boundaries and causes the child to feel anxiety they should not be privy to.

Ego Booster

Narcissistic parents often look to their children to give them a much-needed ego boost. With the parent’s ego being a priority, the child’s emotional needs take a backseat.

BFF Syndrome

A parent should never be best friends with their child as this results in many boundaries being blurred. And a child should never be a trusted confidante to their parent.

Therapist

Parents that turn to their child for comfort during an emotional crisis rob the child of learning age-appropriate socialization. These children will, most likely, grow into codependent adults, seeking approval from others by taking care of THEIR emotional needs.

Emotional Incest Outcomes

Emotional incest is sometimes called “covert” incest because while it’s not sexual, the outcomes of this family dynamic are often similar.

Trouble setting healthy boundaries
Eating disorders
Self-harm
Low self-esteem
Sexual intimacy issues
Substance abuse/addiction
Obsessive/compulsive issues

Healing from Emotional Incest

When a child grows up and leaves the unhealthy environment and dynamic, that does not mean they won’t experience any lasting repercussions. Most adults will suffer from at least one of the outcomes I just listed.

The good news is, through counseling, victims of emotional incest can heal and live a healthy and satisfying life filled with strong emotional connections.

If you believe you are suffering from lingering effects of emotional incest and would like to speak to someone who specializes in this area, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

October 24, 2021 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

Am I Codependent?

Codependency is a term that describes an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship where one person’s needs are met while the others aren’t. Codependent people are said to “enable” the bad behavior of a loved one by supporting them, no matter if it negatively affects their own well-being.

As an example, a parent may have a hard time setting healthy boundaries by telling their grown addict son or daughter their behavior is unwelcomed and they must move out. This is a bit of a lose/lose scenario because enabling this bad behavior stalls recovery and only perpetuates the problem. In addition, the codependent parent puts themselves in harm’s way, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically.

Codependency often stems from an individual’s low self-esteem, excessive need to please, and an inability to set boundaries. Codependents feel responsible for others’ problems and will take them on, despite the personal toll it may cost them.

Where Does Codependency Come From?

Codependency is usually developed in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were either ignored or punished, you most likely developed low self-esteem, believing your needs didn’t matter.

Many codependents had parents who, for some reason, were unable to fulfill their role as caretakers. This dysfunction is usually the result of addiction, depression, narcissism, or other issues. In this situation, the child is forced to take on responsibilities beyond their years, taking care of younger siblings and even their own parent(s).

When we’re young, codependent behaviors are a survival mechanism. But as we become adults, these same behaviors prevent us from experiencing healthy relationships.

Signs of Codependency

Codependent people will typically one or more telltale codependency signs:

The belief you must “save” or “rescue” others
Low self-esteem
A one-sided relationship where one person is responsible and the other is allowed to be chronically irresponsible.
Going without so that others can have what they need or want.
Walking on eggshells around others and keeping opinions to yourself so as not to upset the other person.
Martyrdom – taking care of everyone else and resentful when no one cares for you.
A need to control
A need to please
An inability to set boundaries
Staying in relationships that are harmful or abusive
A feeling of guilt when taking care of yourself

If you can relate to one or more of these signs, there is a good chance you may be suffering from codependency.

The good news is, by committing to your own personal development and well-being, and working with a therapist who specializes in codependency, you can have a profound recovery that ultimately leads to peace, fulfillment, and true connections with others.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

October 17, 2021 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

Things to Discuss Before Marriage

“I do.” Two simple enough words. And when you say them on your wedding day, you really mean them. But “I do” can quickly turn into, “I thought I could” when you don’t know exactly who or what you are committing to.

Let’s face it, relationships are tricky and it’s important that you and your partner are 100% open and honest with one another before tying the knot. And that’s exactly why premarital counseling is so beneficial.

Premarital counseling helps couples identify and address potential areas of conflict before those issues have a chance to turn into serious problems. Couples also learn effective communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Here are some specific benefits of premarital counseling:

Learn More About Each Other

We always think we know our partner until they do or say something that surprises (and irks) us. Premarital counseling is an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level.

Confront Challenges Head-On

Couples don’t always discuss potential areas of friction at the beginning. And then real life comes at them and arguments happen.

For instance, what do you do if you find out each one of you has a different opinion about how finances should be handled? If one set of parents do not accept the couple or the marriage.

Premarital counseling offers couples a space to identify potential challenges head-on.

Make Plans for the Future

The brightest futures are the ones with the best-laid plans. Couples counseling can help you create a clear vision of what you want your future to be. A counselor can help you both discuss your individual goals and dreams and how you can combine these to create a future where both of you reach your potential as individuals, as a couple, and even as a family unit.

If you and your partner would be interested in exploring premarital counseling, please reach out to me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

SOURCES

October 10, 2021 by Alan Zupka Leave a Comment

What is a Dual Diagnosis?

There are times when a person is diagnosed with a mental health issue, such as depression or anxiety. Other times, someone might be diagnosed as having a substance abuse issue. When someone has both a mental health issue and a substance abuse issue, we call it a dual diagnosis.

How Does Dual Diagnosis Develop?

Often, addictive behaviors are a result of someone trying to cope with their mental health issues. In fact, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association, roughly 53% of individuals with drug addiction and 35% with an addiction to alcohol

meet the requirements for a mental health diagnosis. These numbers tell the story of the strong correlation between mental health and addiction.

The following are some of the mental health issues that often occur alongside addiction:

Schizophrenia
Depression
Anxiety
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Bipolar Disorder
Posttraumatic stress (PTSD)
Eating Disorders

It’s important to note that while these mental health issues are often associated with substance abuse, they do not always present alongside drug and alcohol addiction.

Treatment for Dual Diagnosis

Dual diagnosis cases are very complex in nature and require different treatment styles. Typically speaking, there are four types of treatment:

Partial Treatment

This model refers to treating the primary mental health issue alone, but not the concurring substance abuse concerns.

Sequential Treatment

This approach treats the mental health issue first, then addresses the addiction after.

Parallel Treatment

This treatment focuses on addressing both the mental health concern and addiction at the same time, though separately and using different care providers.

Integrated Treatment

As the name suggests, this model has the individual receiving mental health and addiction treatment concurrently, under a unified and robust treatment program. This program can be in an outpatient setting or in a rehab facility.

It can be very difficult for the person struggling with a substance abuse issue and mental health issue, or their family members, to determine the best course of treatment. It is recommended that you initially work with a licensed therapist who can accurately diagnose you and recommend the right course of treatment.

If you’d like to speak with someone, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I can help your journey back to health and well-being.

SOURCES:

Remain Curious

What is Emotional Incest or Covert Incest?

Asking a Child for Advice

Ego Booster

BFF Syndrome

Therapist

Emotional Incest Outcomes

Healing from Emotional Incest

Am I Codependent?

Where Does Codependency Come From?

Signs of Codependency

Things to Discuss Before Marriage

What is a Dual Diagnosis?

How Does Dual Diagnosis Develop?

Treatment for Dual Diagnosis

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