When Sex Feels Out of Control

Has sex begun to feel like it is running your life rather than enriching it? Not in a pleasurable or affirming way, but in a way that feels intrusive, exhausting, or distressing. You may find sexual thoughts showing up uninvited, even in public or professional settings. You may know certain behaviors do not align with your values, yet still feel pulled toward them. Guilt, fear, and a sense of being out of control often follow, and the cycle repeats.

Many gay men carry additional layers of shame around sexuality due to early messages about being “too much,” “not enough,” or somehow wrong for their desires. When those narratives go unexamined, sexual behavior can become a way to cope, escape, or self-soothe rather than a source of genuine connection and pleasure. I want you to know that struggling in this way does not mean something is wrong with you.

Understanding Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Compulsive sexual behavior is often misunderstood and deeply stigmatized. Many of the men I work with feel isolated or afraid to ask for help, worried they will be judged or misunderstood. From a therapeutic perspective, this is not about moral failure or lack of willpower. Like other behavioral health concerns, compulsive sexual behavior deserves compassion, curiosity, and skilled support.

From a narrative therapy lens, I view compulsive sexual behavior not as who you are, but as something that has developed in response to life experiences, stress, trauma, or unmet emotional needs. We work together to separate you from the problem and explore the story of how it took hold, while also identifying the parts of you that have been trying to survive, cope, or feel worthy.

Signs That Sex May Be Taking Over

This is not about how often you have sex or what your sexual interests are. It is about the sense of control and the impact on your well-being. Common signs include:

• Persistent or intrusive sexual thoughts or urges that feel difficult to manage

• Repeated sexual behaviors despite negative consequences

• Using sex to cope with stress, anxiety, loneliness, or past trauma

• Feeling guilt, shame, or regret afterward, followed by a return to the same patterns

• Noticing strain in relationships, work, emotional health, or self-worth

If any of this resonates, it does not mean you are broken. It means something in your life is asking for attention and care.

How I Help Through a Sex Positive Perspective

In my work as a therapist, I provide a safe, affirming, and nonjudgmental space for gay men to explore the emotional drivers beneath compulsive sexual behavior. Using cognitive behavioral therapy, we identify thought patterns that fuel urges, shame, and impulsivity, and we work on building healthier, more grounded responses. Through mindfulness, I help you learn how to notice urges without acting on them automatically, creating space for choice rather than reaction.

Positive psychology allows us to focus not only on reducing distress, but also on strengthening self-compassion, resilience, values, and authentic self-worth. We identify what a meaningful and fulfilling sexual and emotional life looks like for you, not based on external expectations, but on your own values. When relevant, we also explore attachment wounds, trauma, anxiety, depression, or relationship patterns that may be contributing to the cycle, and we work toward repair and growth.

Taking the First Step Toward Change

You do not have to struggle in silence or remain stuck in patterns that no longer serve you. Change is possible, and healing does not require shame or punishment. It requires understanding, support, and a willingness to rewrite the story you tell about yourself.

I work with gay men who want greater self-control, self-acceptance, and a healthier relationship with their sexuality. If you are ready to take the first step, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can move toward clarity, balance, and a more compassionate relationship with yourself.