Counseling Blog | LGBTQ+ Couples & Individuals

May 23, 2021 by Alan Zupka

How to Navigate Challenging Life Transitions

When we’re young, life transitions are fun and empowering. We go from crawling to walking, walking to running. We start with training wheels but soon no longer need them. As we age we graduate into higher grades and become more independent.

But as adults, life transitions can feel not so fun and far from empowering, because life transitions can often include loss: loss of a job, a marriage, and loved ones. During these life transitions, we can feel out to sea, completely at the mercy of the tides that seem to be tossing our lifeboat around.

If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed right now because you are facing one or more life transitions, here are some ways you can navigate these choppy waters:

Slow Down

Have you noticed that the pace of life has picked up? Most likely your heartbeat and breathing have also picked up as a response. It’s time to slow down.

As simple as it may sound, slow, deep breaths are a powerful way to tell your body that everything is okay. Right now, your body is in “fight or flight mode,” as you subconsciously, and maybe even consciously, feel you are being attacked. Making time each day to be still, away from the noise and chaos to breathe deeply and slowly, will slow down your heart rate and make you feel calm and peaceful.

Embrace Uncertainty

I know, it seems completely counterintuitive if not downright impossible. But when we surrender control and embrace the unknown, with an almost scientific curiosity about outcomes, we feel positive emotions (curiosity, wonder) instead of negative emotions (lost, out of control).

Acknowledge the Cycles of Life

Someone once said, “This too shall pass.” Life, like weather, has seasons. While you may feel stuck right now and like nothing is going the way you hoped or planned, recognize the truth, which is, this too shall pass. Transitions are just that, an uncomfortable bridge from one part of life to the next.

Fall Back on Traditions

Rites of passage have been used for thousands of years in all cultures to help people transition from one place in life to another. It’s time to call upon this ancient wisdom of our ancestors and empower ourselves.

Rites of passage put us in the driver’s seat. We can acknowledge that things MUST change because we intuitively understand that the human journey is all about facing challenges and becoming new versions of ourselves.

Life, such as it is, throws us curve balls and sadness and things that cast fear and doubt into our vision. This is natural and no one escapes.

But there ARE ways to navigate these challenges. Try these three tips. And if you’d like additional help along your journey, please get in touch with me.

SOURCES:

May 16, 2021 by Alan Zupka

The Truth About Perfectionism

We live in a society that values things that appear perfect. And I suppose there are things that can be perfect. Architects can draw the perfect straight line, mathematicians can solve an equation with a perfect calculation, and a chocolate cake can be perfectly moist.

But as human beings, we can never reach a state of perfection because we will always be a work in progress. Perfection indicates a finality – a finished product – but we as humans are always growing and changing.

What is Perfectionism?

Many people view perfectionism as a positive attribute. They believe the more “perfect” they are, the more success they will have in life.

Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as always doing your best. It is important that we always do our best. By doing so, we can experience healthy achievements and growth. But perfectionism takes this concept to the extreme.

People with perfectionist tendencies often have self-defeating thoughts and/or behaviors that actually make it HARDER to achieve their goals. Perfectionism also can make the individual feel stress, anxiety, and depression.

Signs to Look For

Most human beings, from time to time, will strive for perfectionism in some aspect of their life. As an example, that “perfectly moist chocolate cake” I mentioned earlier got that way because the person who baked it was trying to get everything JUST RIGHT as a gift for someone’s birthday.

But there are those people who are “full-time” perfectionists. They strive for perfection in all aspects of their life.

Here are some signs you may be a perfectionist:

You don’t like to attempt tasks or activities unless you feel you can complete them perfectly.
You are end-oriented, meaning you focus little on the process of creating or learning something and put all of the emphasis on the outcome.
You cannot see a task as having been completed unless it meets your perfectionist standards.
You tend to procrastinate because you don’t like starting a task until you know you can perfectly complete it.
You tend to take far longer completing tasks than others. This can be problematic at work.

Getting Help

Again, perfectionism is not the same thing as doing your best. It is a condition whereby the individual is almost incapable of feeling joy or pride at what they accomplish because in their own minds, they are never quite good enough.

If you believe you may have traits of perfectionism and it is causing you stress, there are things you can do to change your behavior so you can live a healthier and happier life.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

May 9, 2021 by Alan Zupka

Therapy for Divorce

When we say the words, “I do,” we never imagine that one day those words will turn into, “It’s over.” But the statistics point to the fact that many marriages do not make it. In fact, the CDC reports that 42% of marriages have a high probability of ending in divorce.

Why Should You Consider Therapy for Divorce?

When a marriage ends, it typically leaves one or both partners wondering, “what happened?” As a major life transition, divorce can be traumatic and mentally, physically, and emotionally draining.

Therapy offers individuals powerful coping skills that can help them navigate their overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and share your feelings so you can make sense of them yourself. It’s a way for people to have a healthier outlook on their divorce and become empowered during a very difficult time.

Different Therapy Modalities for Divorce

Every situation is unique and will require the right type of therapy:

Individual Therapy

Individual therapy is incredibly helpful for those people experiencing depression or anxiety, or who view the divorce as a personal failure. This type of therapy can help you discover your own needs and a better understanding of who you are.

Couples Therapy

Divorce will never be easy. But with the proper guidance, the lines of communication can stay open and the separation can remain constructive and amicable. A therapist can help you both navigate those hard decisions such as financial obligations and co-parenting.

Family Therapy

Children are, of course, deeply affected by a divorce, and often the parents are too consumed in their own emotions to offer proper guidance. Family therapy can help the entire family deal with the feelings of loss and grief.

Mediation

Settling a divorce in court can be costly and exhausting. Many couples choose to mediate their own divorce through the help of a trained therapist. Mediation not only costs less and typically takes far less time than divorce litigation, but it may also help improve your lines of communication as you both move forward.

If you are going through a divorce and would like to discuss treatment options, please get in touch with me.

SOURCES:

April 27, 2021 by Alan Zupka

Unicorn Seeking a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory is a term used to describe a lifestyle where someone maintains multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously with full knowledge and consent of the people involved. Within this dynamic, there is another term often used and that is “unicorn.”

A unicorn is used to describe a bisexual person, typically a female, who is willing to join the couple (usually hetero) and have a relationship with both people. So in this case the unicorn is the third wheel, and happily so! What is important to remember is that these relationships are 100% consensual, fun and comfortable.

Sometimes the unicorn is strictly there for a sexual relationship with both partners, and there is an understanding that she will not develop any emotional attachments. But other times the group is allowed to go with the flow to see what dynamics might form naturally.

If you think you’ve got the mind, body and heart to live life as this mythical creature, or if you’re a couple looking to find your very own unicorn to play with, then keep reading to learn some of the golden rules of these polyamorous relationships.

Set Your Boundaries

If you are a couple in search of a unicorn, you’ll definitely need to set some rules before you go hunting. What are your desires and what are your lines/boundaries? Best to know this going in.

Honesty is Key

It’s hard enough for two people to communicate clearly, bring a third person into the mix and see how difficult it can be! No one is a mind reader. For everyone to have a good, safe and healthy time, clear and honest communication is necessary. Some couples are only looking for a fun, sexual relationship, while others are looking for something deeper. Similarly, some unicorns are only interested in causal sex, while others are hoping to find that polyamorous relationship that fits like a glove.

Know Where to Look

The days of couples getting dolled up and hitting the bar in hopes of scoring are long gone (thank God!). That was always a bit of a crapshoot. Today, there are many dating websites that cater to this particular lifestyle, so sign up, create your profile, and live out your fantasy!
Polyamorous relationships can be incredibly fun and rewarding as long as everyone is open and honest. If you follow these guidelines, you’ll have a relationship that’s the stuff myths are made of!

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring counseling, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may help you.

Remain Curious

How to Navigate Challenging Life Transitions

The Truth About Perfectionism

What is Perfectionism?

Signs to Look For

Getting Help

Therapy for Divorce

Why Should You Consider Therapy for Divorce?

Different Therapy Modalities for Divorce

Unicorn Seeking a Polyamorous Relationship

Set Your Boundaries

Honesty is Key

Know Where to Look

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