When we’re young, we’re taught how to share and play well with others. Somehow as adults, these early lessons don’t always translate into building and maintaining loving relationships.

But, it’s never too late to learn new life skills, and creating healthy relationships is one of the best skills you can have. The following are the essential relationship elements of a lasting love. If you can master these, you will set yourself up to experience a wonderful relationship for the rest of your life.

Create Trust and Mutual Respect

Even the most loving of relationships is going to be put to the test every once in a while. All couples experience ups and downs and the stress of every day life. The key is to not take that out on each other.

Create a safe environment in your relationship where each of you can speak honestly and freely. Never interrupt or yell or belittle the other person. Should things get too heated, step back, and wait until things cool off.

Don’t Judge

“For better or for worse.” If you’re married, those are the words you agreed to. If you’re not married, you still made a choice to partner with another human being who has flaws and quirks just like you.

It’s important to accept your partner and not judge them too harshly. This doesn’t mean you have to like everything they do, and it doesn’t mean you can’t remind them every once in awhile that they need to scoop the cat litter as well.

But it does mean that you should try and be as compassionate as possible. Compassion is the opposite of judgement and it allows you to be open and fully connect with the ones you love.

Make Time for Each Other

It’s far too easy to get busy and neglect the relationship. Many couples get to the point where they become more like roommates than a romantic couple. Don’t allow this to happen. Be sure to make time each week to check in with each other and reconnect.

Be Responsible for Your Feelings

No one can “fix us” or make us all better. We must heal ourselves from old wounds and scars (and we all have those!). Our partners should be there to support us in becoming whole, but ultimately it is our responsibility to heal, not theirs.

These guidelines can help you and your love stay a positive force in each other’s lives. But let’s face it, sometimes life can come at us and before we know it, the relationship is on the rocks. At times like these, it can be very helpful to speak with a couple’s therapist who can guide you through the rough patch and get you reconnected.

If you and your partner would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

If you have found yourself in a troubled relationship, there is a very good chance you grew up with parents who argued and fought often. Your household was most likely filled with the sounds of angry voices, raised in an attempt to be heard or to simply drown out the other person.

This means you had no role models for how to treat your partner or what effective communication looks or sounds like. And so, you find yourself flailing, hoping things will get better with your partner but not really knowing what you can do.

The key to a healthy relationship, hands down, is good and respectful communication. If you are currently working toward mending your relationship, here are some communication tips that will help the two of you grow closer:

Give Each Other Your FULL Attention

We live in the age of technology, which means most of us has our head buried in our phone or tablet just about 24/7. This hinders good communication.

When you are speaking with one another, make sure to give your full attention to what the other person is saying. Turn the TV off, put the phone down, and make eye contact.

Take Responsibility

There are those relationships that suffer because one person has been unfaithful. But oftentimes, a broken relationship is the result of two broken people. Take responsibility for your part in the trouble. Admit to your mistakes and commit to trying harder.

Don’t Interrupt

It’s not easy to hear someone say negative things about your behavior but resist the urge to cut off your partner when they are saying something you don’t like or agree with.

Don’t Raise Your Voice

Yelling and shouting is not a form of effective communication. Do your best to refrain from raising your voice at all. It may sound too simplistic, but it really does help to stop and take a slow, deep breath when you feel your anger rising.

Listen

When your partner is talking, you should be hearing every word they say, not thinking about how you are going to respond. Many people are bad listeners. Listening is a skill you will have to develop over time, but why not start now?

If you follow these communication tips you’ll have a much better chance of reconnecting with your partner and making things work. And if you’d like to find a therapist that can guide you in your recovery, please reach out to me. I would be happy to talk with you about how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201605/10-steps-effective-couples-communication
• https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-communication-pitfalls-and-pointers-for-couples/
• https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-essential-communication-tips-for-couples/

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is famous for having said, “Into each life some rain must fall,” meaning life is always going to throw us some heartache. This same sentiment can be said about relationships. Into each one some irritability, frustration and overall blah-ness tends to fall.

But while it’s common for all couples to go through “the blahs,” you don’t have to throw in the towel and stay there. In fact, couples that put in the time and effort to reconnect with one another often feel even closer for it.

If you would like to build intimacy with your partner, here are some easy ways to start that journey:

Focus and Listen

Thanks to the proliferation of digital media and mobile devices, we live in a world that seems to demand that we all become proficient multitaskers. The problem with this is, it’s hard to shut off this instinct. Most of us are hardly able to have a conversation with a loved one without checking our social media pages or texting a co-worker. This inability to STOP and focus on just being with our partner can absolutely kill intimacy.

If you want to reconnect you’ve got to become aware of when your mind is wandering. You’ve got to really focus on your partner and actually listen with both ears to what they say. Being heard, really heard, makes us feel loved and cared for. By doing this for your partner you will not only make them feel loved and special, you will inspire them to reciprocate the same respect.

Appreciate All They Do

It’s entirely too easy to take our loved ones for granted. Reconnecting requires that we appreciate who they are and all that they do in our lives.

Think of some things that you appreciate about your partner and thank them. Perhaps they always take out the trash without being asked. Maybe they bring you a cup of coffee in the morning when you first wake up, or they do the dishes every night. Take the time to recognize their efforts and thank them from the heart. You will both feel great.

Have Fun

Sure, building intimacy is important, but you don’t have to be so serious about it! One of the absolute best ways to reconnect with your partner is to laugh with them. This is especially true for people who have been together for quite a few years. You forget who each other used to be. But by experiencing novel and interesting activities together, you can learn new things about each other and see your relationship in a new light. 

For some couples, building intimacy can require even more work, especially if there are trust issues. In these cases, working with a couples’ therapist can help partners feel safe enough to work through their issues so they can reconnect.

If you or someone you know is interested in exploring therapy, please contact me. I’d be happy to discuss how I might be able to help.